we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
