just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
