Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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