I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Where are you???
With some dude on the way to his house to blaze
You went back to a stranger's house????
He isn't a stranger...he used to be on kids, inc.
I love LA.
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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