for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
