That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
