if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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