There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
