Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize