my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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