Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
