i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Randomize
