I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
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