Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize