im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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