The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
