Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Randomize
