Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
