Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
