First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
