About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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