i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Enjoy the penises
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
