I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I just found a bag of teeth...
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
