I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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