Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
