Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
