I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
