yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize