just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize