Don't make out with my wife yet
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
im six kinds of drunk right now
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
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