Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
