I wish my penis had an off switch
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I checked into jail on foursquare
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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