I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
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