apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
do herpes really smell.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
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