I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
