Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
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