chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
pray to the hookup gods
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
i out mim tonsoeep
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