I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Watching her eat just hurts me
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Randomize
