Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
