she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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