yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
