Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Dignity is for republicans.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
