EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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