You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
