they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
