Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
