How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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