Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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