tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
