My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
