Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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