Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
