Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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