Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
