he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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