I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
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