I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Fuck appropriateness.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
do nipples grow back?
Randomize