Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Randomize
