glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
